Thinking about Dad

Several times recently thoughts of my Dad have come to my mind somewhat unexpectedly. He passed away months ago, but I’ve clearly not dealt with everything that might be on my mind about it.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago wherein he had not actually died, but instead the body had been a decoy and he had in actuality been cured of the cancer and just decided to start his life over. Somehow I found out and confronted him, and he had a myriad of excuses for why he had to get away… all of the excuses I would have expected from him had I ever chosen to confront him for all of the times he was away when my sisters were growing up (but after I had moved out). Suffice to say, I woke up understanding it was a dream, but still feeling the upset and frustration as if it had been real…

Perhaps some of these thoughts come as a result of the passing of Christmas, a time during which I would generally have paid him a visit. I feel like I missed this get together a bit, even though I’m sure we would have done little but talk about politics and old science fiction novels — for some reason these mostly-pointless conversations still have value to me.

I know there are many reasons why these feelings would still be “fresh” to me, and I’m told it is normal. Perhaps it would be most beneficial if i used the thoughts as fuel for contemplation on impermanence, but I’ll admit I haven’t done so in any manner of meditation yet…

I think, oddly, the greatest comfort for me is that I know I do not bear such thoughts and feelings alone. I know that the death of a loved-one is not unique to me, but is a cause of suffering for every living being — it is something to which we all can relate.

I hope you are well friends. Thank you for reading.

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2 comments

  1. wishing you well too friend

    1. Thank you very much, friend.

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